On a stale Sunday afternoon

with its potent morning being thrown into a silent waste, not just any Sunday but I decided this time it’s different as I sense the repeated urge of freedom churning in again. I am certainly not referring to the freedom that most young struggling kids are demanding for or the ‘I am so misunderstood syndrome I will go get a life of my own’. Freedom as I look upon for, is when people around you starts to be a bit more receptive, less judgmental and trust upon your decisions. But of course, growing up reading all sorts of philosophical statements that says you can never expect people to be the way you want them to, I will after all, be more realistic upon my expectations.

Questions within myself, rustling as they find their ground without sounding like an unreasonable child to a mother of 50. They want to pass off that they aren’t always about an emotional rage, but hey, try hearing me out at the least? I am in desperation, but I am muted. So how can a muted appear desperate?

What in the world, tells you not to chase after what your heart tells you to, if you can justify them yourself, of course. What came as shocking is that my own mother can have such low opinion of me, making such shoddy remark of my very last dignity. To the very least I can expect is some kind of mediocre support at the hearing of the news in which her daughter just managed to land herself an interview in a company at Singapore. So this is what it looks like to her, a mixed business her daughter is mingling? I’m sorry, but yes, I’m doing it for the love I believe in which takes work, but I also believe in a lot of other things, like realistic calculations of my own survival and still lay money on the table.

This is the century where misunderstanding lives behind closed door, and be swept away into the attic, I suppose I can live with that.

What is

the secret of our success?

Humanity and community.
Trust in ideals.
Absence of fear to break rules and even laws.
Love of life and people.
Curiousity.
An eager desire for non-stop revolution.
A strict intention to change the world.
A forever-young feeling of f l y i n g.
A flexibility to circumstances combined with stable principles.
A readiness to be open and to accept everything.
To lose. To fail.
To recover. To be happy.

-
Alena Boika
Umelec

Attraction

I find that the most interesting people are those who can be so humorous about the common things yet they’re the ones who have gone through one of life’s toughest predicaments.

Blindfolded

I feel so… drained
Would God one day be gracious enough for me to speak justifiably from the heart across–? I spent an hour lying in bed, and another hour looking at a cursor blink, but still greeted by nothingness and a storm in my head.

I can’t even separate my head and my heart. I am too blind to see anything for that matter. Just might as well go back to restlessness and fall asleep to it.

In the wreck

I was in for an emotional wreck on the eve of cny. I decided that this has taken more than tears and heartache, it should simmer down conclusively. I could only want one thing for this year, a middle ground.

it keeps coming back

i get the same haunting feeling every time when I find something by surprise, that insecurity – that something bad is lying inside a beautiful lie. i know it’s not the same thing. it’s not my past. my past – the naivety that cost deception, i had thrown it all away in a place i will never ever want to regress. but then again, can u really blame it on naiveness? i’d be so tired blaming it all to everything, or anyone. i thought that i had let it pass and gotten very over and living life bolder than that. i can forgive, but i can never expect the consequences. trust the wrong person for the first time, haunted for life.

who knew you could be so positive about things and had it all figured out for one moment, and then letting an innocuous instance fill your mind with skepticism the next?

i wish i could learn to trust with caution and courage again.

Random gone right

Whatever it is, I want a man who can treat his woman like a lady. Love her like no other, kiss her all over till she melts, touch her till her heart stop beating, whisper soft sweet words into her ears, be her surrogate when she is incapable. Yea that kinda guy.

But, he don’t exist. Too bad, then.

- The Stoic

remember at least

i should always remind myself of what i have, though it may not be perfect

this day

by Keri Smith.

How do you untangle it all?

26/11/09. I know we’re always given choices to things. And I do have the choice, to how I want to view a situation. Perhaps, if someone would allow me to pour it off my chest, and with some careful thought and reshuffling, put them back into perspective. It almost feels like I’m drowning but then I know if I keep kicking, maybe I’ll see a sign of safety, eventually. Something must’ve happened that day, because I was told to grow up and stop hiding behind covers. I do admit I always shut myself away from people when I get upset, and that it makes me less grown-up that way to people.

24/12/09. It’s almost a month now since I left the above unsaid. To wipe off the vagueness to that, I was in a state of financial crisis. Literally, I was finding ways to survive paying rent. Who could have imagined I would have to face that moment – that feeling of anxiety to keep one’s roof around. I am still alive! Of course, someone was around to keep me alive. That same person who told me to grow up, thank you for sticking around. With all the bad news that kept coming our way, I’m glad we’re learning from them and that we’re still sticking together, even when it feels like the world has turned itself against us. Who knew what will come next? Thanks for teaching me to enjoy the moment of right now, instead of worrying what’s not around. I am not entirely good at that yet, but I will continue to try..

It’s been almost a year of my time here in nz. It’s not very long but it ain’t that little to sense how much have changed. I learned like a sponge, soaking up all the things that are in contrary to what I thought they were. I wonder if I would be comfortable with myself when I’m home. I only hope for the things that are meant to stay, continue to stay.